Tips for Communicating with Your Aging Loved Ones

Items to Consider

• Any aging parent, relative, or loved one who may need assistance now or in the future.
• Include only people who your loved one trusts.
• Include only those people who are willing to help.

• Discuss your loved one’s preferences and options for care.
• Talk about financial capabilities for each care option.
• Make all decisions together.
• Accept offers of help from other family members or friends.
• Confirm as time passes that preferences haven’t changed.
• Be sure to follow through on your promises.

• Open the discussion in a familiar environment, where everyone involved will feel comfortable and secure.

• Having a plan of action before it needs to be implemented will make everyone feel more prepared when the unthinkable occurs.

• It’s better to talk sooner rather than later.
• Trust your instincts on when the time is right.
• Talk when all parties are open to the discussion.
• Schedule the conversation, setting aside time when you can have the discussion without interruption.
• Begin discussions with your loved one about care and preferences before a crisis occurs. The hypothetical situation will be more comforting and create less tension.
• If it is unavoidable to talk about getting help before it is necessary:
• Educate yourself about your loved one’s condition as soon as possible.
• Talk to your loved one immediately under these circumstances:
• If there are any noticeable changes in his or her memory.
• If there are visible changes in your loved one’s physical appearance (i.e. weight gain or loss, wearing the same clothes daily, overall disheveled appearance).
• If your loved one feels sad or lonely all or most of the time.
• If he or she needs assistance when walking, climbing stairs, or getting in and out of bed.
• If your loved one needs assistance when dressing, bathing, etc.
• If he or she needs assistance with activities around the home (i.e. running errands, housekeeping, preparing meals).
• If your loved one’s sleep patterns have changed (i.e. sleeping more or less than usual, disrupted sleep).
• If he or she has any changes in diet (i.e. overeating or lack of appetite).

• Come prepared with an agenda and a list of tentative solutions for possible areas of concern.
• If both parties agree to it, consider having a third-party present to facilitate the conversation. Social workers and family counselors are a good option.
• Clear any tension in the room—maybe share a story about another family member or friend going through something similar.
• Be patient, honest, sincere, and a good listener.
• Show empathy for the situation (or impending situation).
• As you talk, have your loved one write his/her preferences down, or, if he/she are unable, do it for the person throughout the conversation.
• Avoid making assumptions or decisions for your loved one.
• Pay attention to his or her body language.
• End the discussion promptly if arguing ensues or either party is too tired or angry to communicate effectively.
• Make a list and take an inventory of important documents, medical records, medications, etc.
• Make a list of emergency contacts to distribute to all necessary family members.
• Close the discussion by repeating back what you heard to confirm understanding.
• Follow-up with other family members who will be involved in care and decisions and debrief them on the conversation. Ensure understanding and coordinate a plan of action.